1. So You Want To Be Famous

Forget any life beyond the single-minded pursuit of fame. Family, friends, and acquaintances exist to solely to aid the realization of your dream. You will need an XXXL ego. Since they don't carry these in normal department stores, you'll have to make it yourself. I advise standing in front of a mirror at least two hours a day, repeating the magic phrase "I am the greatest!" Once you're successful practicing your primadonna attitude on friends and family, now it's time to take it up a notch!

2. Into The Real World

Many a hopeful young star has been sorely discouraged by how tough reality can be. People will ignore and mistreat you the second you start acting important. You can't let it get you down! Constantly boost your self-esteem by telling yourself how stupid everyone is. After all, if they were smart, wouldn't they be famous themselves? Another great way to maintain your bloated ego is to surround yourself with a flattering coterie of admirers. The truth is if someone expresses a critical opinion of you, they weren't really your friend after all.

3. It's Who You Know

Next it's time to find a hookup. To do this you must start hobnobbing with celebrities. Start where you live. Do whatever it takes to get into backstage, after-hour parties. Lying, conniving and sleeping around are all acceptable methods of doing this. The goal is to get you famous and you can't let anything hold you back!

4. Know Your Target

It's important for you to be able to identify the movers and shakers in society. These are the people who can make stars. You'll notice them because they're the people who attract all the attention at parties. Everyone laughs at their jokes and then get quiet when they voice their opinions.

5. Get Attention

It may be hard to get noticed at first by these social magnets. The worst thing you can ever do is compliment them or appear eager to meet them. A surefire trick in enlisting their aid is to show them up in front of their friends. People like this have something we call inferiority complexes. Nothing impresses them more than making them look bad.

6. Take Everything That Isn't Nailed Down

Once you've sufficiently caught your mark's attention, then comes the time to introduce yourself. Pretend to be their friend. Get their telephone number or better yet have them ask for yours! In a few days get back in touch. Remember you need to stay on the offensive. Always maintain the upper hand in dealing with these people. Very casually pump them for contacts. Get introductions from them. Above all, use them for all their worth. That's the only way you'll earn their respect. Don't dally though! Once they realize you've manipulated them, they'll try to bring you down with every envious bone of their body.

7. Elevating Up The Social Ladder

Once you start to make it into the inner circle of truly famous people, now the real work begins. You have to make it look like you belong. Celebrities are constantly plied for favors, so you have to appear more important them. Remember "impress" is the key to success! Make to the star think you're doing a favor by associating with them. I could explain it with the vagaries of psychology, but the simple truth is if you can make yourself believe something, then others will too. Self-deception is the name of the game here. It's just another handy tool in your arsenal.

8. Never Admit You're Wrong!

When you admit to a mistake this makes you look weak and stupid. Now that you're making progress you can't allow anything to take you backwards. Confidence is more important than ever. Confidence will attract people to you. It makes them do what you want. Soon you'll have everyone bending over to curry your favor. Upon receiving a gift always bestow effusive praise and thanks. But don't forget the zinger! Casually mention what person X did for you last week. This way you'll train them to do better next time.

The more exciting your life seems, the more people will want to be in it. Appearance is ninety percent of the game. The rest requires some calculating and cunning, but if you precisely follow my step-by-step instructions, then fame cannot elude you! Finally, I have to warn you if you do fail, you need to face the number one factoid of life: Beautiful people are just better!