I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark A LOT. So, whattya gonna do about it? Well, if youre Amber and Terry, youre going to do NOTHING about it. Aint nobody going to silence the Rubinman, you know what Im sayin? If youre NOT Amber and Terry, though (i.e. youre smart) and you want to know how to get your dog to just freakin shut up once in a while, heres what you need to know

Why is your dog barking?

Ill be honest here: I bark because I like it. And because it gets me some attention. Im all about the attention. Now, you coulda probably guessed about the attention thing, but the fact that we actually ENJOY it? Who knew?

Its true, though. Sometimes I just get a kick out of it. Its like, I start barking because Im excited, and then after a while Im all, hey! This totally rocks! So I bark some more. And then some more after that. Then I finish up with a quick round of barking. Sometimes I come back for an encore. The truth is, by this time, like Justin Timberlake, Im lovin it. So, howre you gonna stop me? (Clue: youre not. Youll NEVER stop the Rubinman. But you know what I mean.)

Well, if you want to stop a dog thats barking just for the hell of it, youre gonna hafta get clever. Cleverer than Amber and Terry. Whatever you do, DONT shout at me. You want to know what I think when you shout at me while Im barking? I think, Coooool! Theyre totally barking with me! This SO rocks! Ha! Amateurs!

No, what you need to do is, you need to distract me. You could play with me. You could feed me. (Actually, you should totally feed me. Thats the best thing to do. End of article.) But its better if you TRAIN me. Uh-huh. TRAIN ME.

Now, I know what yall are thinking. Youre all, But the Rubinman is cleverer than me! Id NEVER train him! Well, youre right. You totally wouldnt. But if you have a NORMAL dog, you can train it. Mebbe.

I am whats called clicker trained. Clicker training is when you, like, get this CLICKY thing and get your dog to believe that if the thing clicks, something good happens. Could be a goodboy. Could be a big cuddle. (Note: the Rubinman is NOT a sissy. But a cuddle can be nice). Could be playing with your toys. Whatever it is, its GOOD. The clicker is power, and once ya got power over the dog, youre the boss of it.* If youre REALLY clever, you can teach your mutt to bark on command, and then stop barking on command too, using the clicker. Thats probably too advanced for you lot, though, so

Understand why YOUR dog is barking

So, yeah, now you know why the Rubinman barks. Its important to know why YOUR dog barks, though. Here are some possible reasons:

He is bored. He is scared. (I mean, Im NEVER scared, but then I WAS raised by wolves) He is lonely. He has seen the postman. Little Timmy is stuck down a well and your dog wants to lead you to that well, rescue little Timmy and get a reward. Ill tell ya, that happens to me a LOT.

Soooooo many reasons for barking there. First thing you need to do is, you need to find out which reason is the right one. Ill be honest here: its probably the postman.

A word about the postman

Most so-called exerts will tell you that your dog barks when he sees the postman because the postman is intruding on your property and the dog cant tell the difference between friend and foe. What a lot of crap experts talk, no? If I talked crap like that, man, Id be ashamed to call myself the Rubinman, I really would.

As any dog will tell you, we bark at the postman because we hate that sucker. In the wild, postmen are our natural enemies. Walking up our driveway day after day. Stuffing things through our door. Ringing the bell. I mean, honestly, do YOU think thats acceptable behaviour?

Stopping the barking

You aint never gonna stop the me against the postman mentality. All you can do, really, is bribe your dog to stay quiet. Remember: we have no morals. (I mean, we sniff other dogs butts IN THE STREET, do we look like wed turn up our noses at a spot of bribery?) We wont be offended if you bribe us.

Now, Im not saying you should always bribe us with chocolate goodboys. (I totally AM saying that, by the way). Im just saying the best way to get us to behave is to reward us handsomely when we behave ourselves. Goodboys. Cuddles. Rubbing our furry bellies. Do this and we will stop barking. Mebbe.

* Amber and Terry, obviously, are NOT the boss of me, though. No ones the boss of me.