Rejoice! Saturday has arrived. You've worked hard the whole week (as well as all the weeks prior) for the privilege of going out and spending your hard earned currency in search of excitement, a good time, and possibly companionship. What's more, you happen to be in Miami...a quaint, sleepy little fishing village that features what is very possibly the best nightlife on the planet. Naturally, just as lions on the savannah are hypnotized by the striped masses of zebras to the point that they are unable to pursue the individual, you gaze out on the massive choice of clubs and attractions in southern Florida and are immobilized by the variety. Have no fear, for help is on the way. I will lead you to the Promised Land of good times using my many years of experience with the Miami nightlife scene as your guide.

Many greenhorns who venture out into the bars and clubs of Miami find themselves in a blur of excitement and exotic drinks, suddenly realizing that they are pawing drunkenly at a stripper in a seedy bar while being put into a headlock by a bouncer nicknamed "The Plug." There is nothing intrinsically wrong with this; however, this activity is generally thought of as being in the "end of the evening" category. To truly enjoy Miami, correct pacing must be mastered. In addition to pacing, you should have your route and activities planned, at least in a cursory way, so that you have a general plan of attack. Lastly, you need to think about getting from here to there: transportation. There is no quicker way to end an enjoyable evening than by driving drunk and running over a homeless person, then being forced to hide the body because you can't go back to jail again.

Planning and pacing, of course go hand in hand. It might be nice to start out with dinner and a few drinks somewhere with friends, and depending on how expensive you want to go, there are a lot of options. For the moderate spender (always a big hit with the ladies), you might consider a place like Puchetta in Coral Gables. Coral Gables is a nice upscale community, with shops and restaurants, but it is quite possible to find fantastic food and drink with a classy ambiance while not having to sell an organ to pay for it all. Coral Gables is a nice place to start your evening, as it is adjacent to Little Havanna and West Miami, and quite near downtown Miami (just a short ride on the Metrorail system) as well.

There are so many clubs and bars in Miami, choosing those that you want can be daunting. To narrow it down quickly, you might do a little research to figure out which clubs cater to your particular crowd. For example, if you are a homosexual, you may well want to avoid the neonazi clubs (they just play a bizzare mix of Ramstein and Kraftwerk anyway.) If you are a neonazi, you are probably lost.

Depending on your chosen form of transportation, some areas of Miami will be much easier to reach. For example, Miami Beach is an island, and cannot be reached by the rail systems of the area. This means, you'll probably either want a designated driver or a private chauffeur (only losers take the bus). For the latter route, consider renting a limousine for the night from a company like Millenium Limo. Millenium is the largest provider of exotic limousines in the Miami area, and lets face it, if you are going to spring for a limousine, it may as well be exotic. If you have a number of people in your party, the limo option is the best, as it is fairly cost efficient, offers great amenities, and smells much better than a cab.

In my future posts, I'll get into a few more specifics of Miami's nightlife, but this should get you on track to having a fantastic time in Miami, only getting put into a headlock if that's what you're looking for (and in Miami, you can really find anything.) Happy travels, and productive eating/drinking/dancing/debauchery.